I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
