Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
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I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
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Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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