I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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