I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
