i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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