I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
