Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
All the doctor said was why
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
