I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
