I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
