if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
