In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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