Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
