puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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