Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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