i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
