I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
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THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
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Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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