If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
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