youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
