I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
