seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
