I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
