M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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