im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
