It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
