I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
