Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
