Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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