she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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