You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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