census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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