So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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