The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Randomize
