i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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