This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
