dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
