so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
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I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
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Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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