If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
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