i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
