I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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