On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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