worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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