Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Is Oprah even human
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Randomize
