his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
is wine microwaveable?
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i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
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You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.