woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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