It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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