forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
