You smell like stripper and shame
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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