operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
