Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
