Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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