i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
