if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
