Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize