What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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