How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
