To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
