I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
